Welcome to the Writing for Professionals class!
I designed this blog, so you can share and comment on your written work. Please post your assignment each week, read and give constructive feedback on others' work as often as you want. For this week, you have to write a memo.
Ideally, the person who gets the feedback should take the comments into consideration and revise their work before submitting a final draft to me. In order for this to happen, it is preferable that you submit your papers each week by Saturday, so you can have enough time to read your classmates' work.
Finally, this is a place to learn, please do not worry about making mistakes.
Marina
I designed this blog, so you can share and comment on your written work. Please post your assignment each week, read and give constructive feedback on others' work as often as you want. For this week, you have to write a memo.
Ideally, the person who gets the feedback should take the comments into consideration and revise their work before submitting a final draft to me. In order for this to happen, it is preferable that you submit your papers each week by Saturday, so you can have enough time to read your classmates' work.
Finally, this is a place to learn, please do not worry about making mistakes.
Marina
Hi Everyone,
ReplyDeleteHere is a memo I wrote. I hope it makes sense to you. Thank you for reviewing!
To: Account Executive and Project Service Manager
From: Sales and Marketing Department
Date: Nov 21st, 2012
SUBJECT: 30day rental
We would like to announce that we are setting up 30day rental term on our products. This helps our client to choose 7day or 30day based on their event or exhibit’s schedules, and also it helps our inventory system accurate instead of extending 7 days rental each time.
This effective immediately, Project service Managers will see both 7day and 30day rental prices on each items in system.
Please select 7days or 30days from drop down menu to create quotations.
We hope it makes simple step to our client who would like to rent items in a long term, beside our inventory system runs smoothly.
Feel free to contact me, should you have any questions.
Thanks for your attention to this.
Hi Kahori,
DeleteI would take out the word that and say the following:
We would like to announce an additional rental term to our products. Instead of 7 days, we are now offering 30 days rental period. It will add a more accurate count on our inventory system rather than extending every 7 days each time.
Take out the word "this" and change to Effective immediately, Project Service Managers will have an option on the drop down menu to select the 7 days or 30 days rental term on the quotation.
We hope this addition will promote our clients to rent items long term of which supports our inventory system to run smoothly.
Hope this reads a bit better..Donna
I was going to say that maybe "exhibit’s schedules" should be changed. But I think Donna made great corrections.
DeleteBest,
Marta
Hi Donna and Marta, Thanks for your time!
Deleteyes, It reads much better and helps me a lot.
I will re-write and take it with me on our next class.
thanks again,
Kahori
Rewrite –Ver.1
DeleteTo: Account Executive and Project Service Manager
From: Sales and Marketing Department
Date: Nov 21st, 2012
SUBJECT: 30 Days rental
We would like to announce that we now offer 30 days rental term on our products. This helps our client to choose 30 days Long Term rental price instead of extending 7 days price.
This effects immediately. Project Service Managers are able to select 7day or 30day rental on each items from drop-down menu in system to create quotations.
We hope it helps our clients rent items in a long term, beside our inventory system runs smoothly.
Feel free to contact me should you have any questions.
Thank you
Very good. Please bring a hard copy for me.
Delete
ReplyDeleteTo: Shane Cookman, General Manager
Andrea Peters, Front Desk Agent
From: Donna W. Eng, Personal Assistant to President/CEO
Subject: VIP Guest – Mrs. Ethel Kennedy
Please be advised that Mrs. Ethel Kennedy, wife of the late Robert F. Kennedy will be checking in on Friday, November 23rd, 2012 noon.
We had received several complaints from her assistant regarding her last stay. In order to achieve a satisfactory stay, I’ve listed a few steps to follow.
Mrs. Kennedy is very articulate on her greetings, she is to be greeted and addressed as Mrs. Kennedy throughout her stay. In addition, she liked her room to have the following items below.
1. Fruit basket with extra strawberries
2. An electric blanket
3. A bladeless fan
4. 2 bottles of water by her bedside
5. Room temperature at 70 degrees
If you need additional instructions and clarification, please feel free to call me at Ext. 2593.
Let’s make this special guest feel at home!
I like it.
DeleteVery straight to the point.
Yes I think it looks good. Reader understands clearly what they have to do. It's simple and directly.
DeleteTo Fernando Gómez, BOCAS Magazine editor
ReplyDeleteFrom: Marta Torres Ruiz, New York correspondent
Date: November 20, 2012
Subject: Gabarrón Foundation Awards Pitch
Cultural Gabarrón Foundation will celebrate its year award ceremony on November 27th. Awardees are Joel Shapiro for Drawing Arts, Mikhail Barysnikov for Performing Arts, José Baselga for Science and Investigation, The Economist for Economy, Stanley Crouch for Literature, George Bisacca for Curating and Michell Bachellet for Life Achievement, and Siri Hustvedt for Thinking and Humanities.
Gabarrón Foundation was founded by artist Cristobal Gabarrón, based in Valladolid, where its foundation has its headquarters.
He has made its name through his sculptors. In New York, it is located in Midtown Manhattan where they host conferences, exhibitions and rent their spaces too for business events and private and corporative parties.
I just spoke with the Press team for the Gabarrón Foundation. They are saying they will be granting interviews next week.
Once I know the availability of each awardee, I will let you know. But I think it could be a great idea to interview Joel Shapiro, Mikhail Barysnikov or Siri Husvedt.
The condition to get the interviews is that we have to mention Gabarrón Foundation Awards at least once on the article.
Let me know what you think about the possibility of conducting these interviews as soon as you can. If you want a photographer, I can call Rene. We owe him one assignment after James Rodríguez cancelled the interview last minute last week.
Thank you,
Marta
How about including that you are planing to interview Awardees on the opening segment.
ReplyDeleteIn separate paragraph, you would list Awardees name and Award category by saying please see the Awardee name below or something like that instead of one sentence with commas. Or attaching list?
thank you!
I would suggest changing the year to annual.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kahori on listing the items, i.e.
Awardees - not sure if that's a word - perhaps Recipients
Recipients are:
Joel Shapiro - Drawing Arts
Mikhail Barysnikov - Performing Arts
José Baselga - Science and Investigation
I would remove the section that describes the award as this is an internal memo within the company. The person should know the history of the company.
I would remove the word "just", the word is not necessary.
Suggestion on rephrasing: I spoke with the Gabarrón Foundation press team, and they confirmed they are granting interviews next week.
I would change the word condition and replace it with "purpose"
The purpose of these interviews is to make sure that Gabarrón Foundation Awards is mentioned at least once in the article.
I'm a bit confused with the last paragraph. First line mentioned about letting you know what you think about the possibility of conducting these interviews.
I thought you're informing the BOCAS Magazine editor about interviews you are looking to conduct. You mentioned I will let you know about the awardees. Last paragraph you asked him to let you know.
Happy holidays all,
ReplyDeletethis is my second draft.
To: Store Management team
From: Misumi
RE: New hire training and Holiday temp training
As a preparation of the holidays, I would like to introduce new procedure of training for new hires.
1. New sales associates:
All of the new hires need to complete 3 points below (Approx it will take 6 weeks):
• The new hire work book:
All new hires need to read the New Hire Work Book. The new hire work book instructs the basic manner and techniques for new sales associates. It has 8 chapters and each chapter has 3 to 4 modules with exercise. Please team them up with one of your senior sales associates as a “mentor” to complete some exercise.
I would like to follow up how they are working with the book by weekly bases in January.
• Products knowledge and basic skincare knowledge:
In order to choose the most appropriate skincare products to the customers, they need to learn every product’s benefit, ingredients and usage and basic knowledge of the skin function.
We would like to plan the class after the holiday. But In the mean time, we need to introduce them at least core products.
• Micerenious:
All new hires need to read the retail store policy and procedure and sign off the sheet when they complete within the first week. The policy and procedure is including: register operation, how to do shipping, how to precede phone orders and loss prevention policy.
2. Holiday help
Since they are only works for us a few weeks, I would like to cover just minimum.
1. Basic manners:
They need to know the brand standard manners, for example, how to answer the phone or how to greet customers when they entered the store.
2. Product knowledge:
Top 10 products and FAQ needs to be covered.
3. Miscellaneous:
Since most of them will be a cashier, they need to go over register operation, phone order procedure and loss prevention from the retail store policy and procedure book.
I would like to request to spend 30 minutes with new hires to go over Product knowledge and the new hire work book on the date of when they are scheduled. Please let me know when you find the starting date of new hires as soon as you can, so that I can schedule myself accordingly.
Please feel free to contact me if you have any question.
Thank you so much for your support in advance and I am so excited to have a successful holiday!
Warm regards,
Misumi
Your draft is more clear. In order to make it even better, I would suggest the following.
ReplyDelete-make sure that you leave enough space between paragraphs
Regarding New sales associates
-try to be more concise when you make a bulleted list.
For example, the first bulleted part could be shortened to:
-In the New Hire Work Book, they need to read all of the chapters and do all of the modules with exercises.
-Please team them up with a senior associates to go over some of the exercises, and I will be following their progress biweekly in January.
Try to do the same with product knowledge and miscellaneous.
The Holiday part is nice and brief, but I would change the part after that.
30 minutes request and starting date might be all right to add to the first sentence of the memo.